Stress Management: Either You Can be Right or You Can be Happy

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Either You Can be Right or You Can be Happy: Its Less Likely that You Can be Both

One of the less thought about and talked about reason (but very important one) for feeling stressed from time to time is one's desire to be "right" or "perfect" all the time. And what is "right" is cooked up by the same person who is trying to be right. Agreed that he/she might have thought about it pretty seriously within the ambit of his own cerebral capabilities and after having read lots of literature on it or by being very observant of the people who seem to be right to him/her etc. Yet, finally, it is solely his/her own perception.

So, despite much of such research, the question is: can he/she be absolutely sure that what he defined as perfect or right was really right or perfect? No one can be too sure about it. It definitely is not sacrosanct or the ultimate truth. Yet some people pursue these mirages of being right and perfect all the time with missionary vengeance. In addition, such tribes do not want to fail or be seen as failing against the benchmarks set by them.

And see below what they try to achieve in pursuit of meeting this perfectness! They seriously practice it in most trivial things of life as well as things of medium and high importance. Here are some classic examples:

• Pronounce each and every word of each and every language correctly.
• Being dressed prim and proper every minute and every hour of all the days of an year.
• Never squeeze the tooth paste tube or shaving cream tube or moisturizer tube or for that matter any such other tube in its middle.
• Following each and every dining table manner and telephone etiquette and every other social etiquette to the letter as described in numerous etiquette and manners manuals authored by all kinds of self proclaiming experts.
• Never leave the clothes on the beds of the bedrooms or on the floors of bathrooms even for a second.
• Make sure that toilet seat is always covered without fail and flush at least twice after having done the thing in the toilet.
• Always eat the perfectly nutritious food in every meal everywhere. Never ever exceed the calorie and other specifications set out by the numerous nutrition experts.
• Always sleep on the right side of the bed and let the spouse sleep always on the left side of the bed.
• Sticking to punctuality in each and every situation.  
• Loading the washing machine or dish washer in the right way- as thought out as right by self.
• All the time trying to set out goals of all kinds and trying to meet those goals and getting upset when not meeting them.
• Pushing the son(s)/daughter(s) to become champions in many things right around their age of 5 or 6 and feeling upset when they fail to meet such expectations.
• Presenting self, spouse and children as the most mannerly creatures of the earth.  
• Never miss the deadlines in professional or any other type of jobs.

and the list can go on and on.

Trying to be reasonably effective and efficient is understandable because that can be met within your capabilities and within your other resources. But then excess of anything is bad. When you set out some crazy ideals for self and are likely to expect them from your spouse, children, parents, subordinates and colleagues,  it becomes too much for yourself and everyone else around you. And then stresses and strains develop because such tall expectations are beyond the available capabilities and resources. That leaves you and others not only stressed but it is likely to disrupt the human relations from time to time. That further adds to your and others' woes.

Many times what is right or wrong is never very clear. Different people do things differently and to each one that may be right. So, on trivial and many other issues, insistence on achieving a particular "right way" may be inviting unnecessary stresses. Yet, on some important issues of life what is realistic and achievable must definitely be discussed and what capabilities and other resources of self and others will be required to achieve them must be assessed.

The whole discussion here does not promote accepting a compromising or sloppy attitude towards life but warns all of us against being obsessed about being "right" or "perfect" (as defined by self) all the time.

Being flexible and setting realistic and achievable goals within the means of capabilities and resources is the golden path traversing on which will be least stressful and yet meaningfully fulfilling.

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Stress Management: Lack of Self-esteem or Lack of Self-worth

Lack of self-esteem or lack of self-worth is one of the causes of stress.

Feeling of lack of self-worth emanates from a lopsided pattern of thinking or from your destructive view of the self.

At times it is because of constant comparison of one's achievements with those of others by self or by other people making one feel less of an achiever. Some of such people also get into a habit of always feeling awed by others' achievements and creating an inferiority complex in themselves. For them grass is always greener on the other side or neighbor's wife is always more beautiful than mine syndrome.

Other times it is setting up unrealistic goals and not achieving them.

Some people look down upon their successes all the time. They rate their achievements as insignificant. They believe that they could have achieved more than what they did so far. They are unnecessarily harsh on themselves.

A habit of only looking at failures more than looking at the successes and discounting most of the successes as not worthy of being called as successes also leads to lack of self-worth.

It also happens sometimes that one has not really done an objective assessment of one's success or achievements and has created a false feeling of being a loser because of one reason or the other. It may be fictional all you know.

We also come across situations when the person stressed due to lack of self-esteem is aware that he had not been putting in efforts towards achieving something that will boost his self-worth. This often time happens due to apathy towards life due to laziness or lack of will power.

In all of these situations one thing is sure that the feeling of lack of self-esteem will suck any person into a vicious circle that can be called as diminishing spiral of self worth. The feeling that I do not achieve much most of the times will further put a brake on one's actions and that will further result in non-achievement. Thus it constructs a diminishing spiral and generates lots of stresses all along.

One needs to break this diminishing spiral. For this it important to think straight and objectively about the self- shun the fictional and destructive thinking.

From now onwards, start thinking more about what you achieve on an every day basis and reduce thinking about what you could not achieve. Count your achievements or successes of the day, howsoever insignificant they may seem to you or to others. They are your successes and so, count them. Also think about those strengths of yours which helped you achieve those successes. It will be good habit to write them down as your daily journal and keep on accumulating your successes into this journal.

In addition, try to recall all of your previous achievements and successes from your childhood till today- the day from which you have decided to review your achievements on a daily basis. Document all of these life long achievements also in your journal.

Include even your normally termed very small achievements. Examples: "I told my kid a nice story that delighted him". "I help my wife in cooking". "I completed the official assignment in time today". "I bargained and saved money in today's purchases". "I checked my anger throughout the day". "My interpersonal relationship with my boss improved significantly today because I came to his rescue in a top level meeting". "I enrolled myself in an evening MBA course". "I did not get promotion but I did get a good raise".

As you keep adding your new successes and achievements in your journal on a daily basis, also revise or re-visit your previous achievements and successes by reading and re-reading them. It is your affirmation system- affirming to you that your are good, you are a winner.

By doing this you are shattering your own bleak picture that you had imagined about yourself and bringing in the desired brightness.

That is the start of reversing the spiral. You have now arrested it's tendency to diminish and now it will start increasing in the right way. It will turn into a positive spiral and your self-esteem or self-worth will start improving day by day. In days, the improvements will be more synergistic.

And finally, the continual improvements in your self worth will pull you out of the stresses and strains.

Stress Management

(After you read this post, also read all the earlier posts on this page for more benefits).

What is Stress?

• Stress has to do with demands, resources and uncertainties.
• Demands are expectation and desires of self or others to be fulfilled, obligations and duties to be carried out and responsibilities and pressures to be shouldered.
• Resources are your own resources like your physical strength, your knowledge, your talent and capabilities, your skills and competencies as well as any kind of physical/inanimate or human resources under your control or available for use as organizational support or social support.
• Then there are uncertainties of the outcome or results in relation to the expectations, desires, obligations, duties, responsibilities and pressures as well as there are uncertainties about the existence and potency of the resources within you and outside you.
• These uncertainties are then the main causes to trigger tension and stress in your mind.
• In short, when your perceive that your resources will fall short of tackling the demands on you and therefore, you perceive uncertainty in meeting the expectations or you actually do not meet the expectations demanded of you, you will experience stresses.
• When your resources can achieve the expectations demanded of you with certainty, there is hardly any stress. Since there may still be some uncertainty due to some unseen factors, there may still be a bit of stress but that stress will be somewhat positive type, good enough to boost adrenal level and your motivation to use your resources in the best possible manner to achieve the end result with certainty or near certainty. Such a stress is called challenge stress and it is good.
• Other type of stress that is negative in nature is called the hindrance stress. This is an outcome of the hindrances in the resources to achieve the desired results. These hindrances are: lack of your capabilities, knowledge, competencies, skills and red tape in systems, lack of family or social support etc.
• It is necessary to learn to manage this hindrance stress.

Causes and Sources of Stress

Demands made on you or changes happening around you making some more demands on you are the fundamental causes of stress. The list of causes and sources of stress is given below:

Environmental factors

• Economic uncertainty: changes in business cycle, recession, loss of job, unemployment
• Political uncertainty: impact of political systems like democracy, communism or dictatorship, instability of governments, wars, terrorism etc
• Technological changes: Obsolescence in knowledge and skills of people due to constant technological changes, impact of technologies on people in variety of ways

Organizational factors

• Role demands: pressures of job position, roles conflicts, transfers, promotions, job rotations, change of job
• Task demands: hazards, overload, working conditions, deadlines, targets
• Interpersonal demands: lack of support from bosses and colleagues, distrustful environment, politics

Personal factors

• Family problems: death of loved ones, separation, divorce, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth
• Economic problems: insufficient earnings, loss of job, over expenditure, debts, retirement
• Personality problems: pessimism, submissive, aggressive, loner
• Illness: Not well, injury

Early Warning Symptoms of Stress and Consequences of Stress

Physical symptoms

• Nagging tiredness and continuous sense of exhaustion
• Frequent illness
• Sexual problems: impotency, frigidity
• Excessive worrying of real and imaginary problems
• Frequent crying or desire to cry
• Insomnia
• Headaches
• Cramps and muscle spasms
• Inability to sit without fidgeting
• Nail biting
• Nervous twitches
• Tendency to sweat for no good reason
• Lack of appetite
• Craving for food when under pressure
• Frequent indigestion
• Frequent acidity and heartburn
• Constipation or diarrhoea
• High blood pressure
• Breathlessness without exertion
• Nausea
• Fainting spells

Behavioral symptoms

• Escapist tendencies like shirking or avoiding responsibilities and work both at office and home
• Feeling of inability to cope
• Difficulty in concentrating
• Inability to finish one task before rushing on to the next
• Difficulty in making decisions
• Feeling of being a failure as a person, as a professional, as a parent etc
• Feeling of being bad or feeling of self hatred
• Personal negligence in terms of appearance, hygiene, safety
• Lack of interest in life
• Feeling of neglect
• Loss of sense of humor
• Constant irritability with people
• Awareness of suppressed anger
• Loss of interest in other people
• Feeling of being the target of other people's animosity
• Feeling of having no one to confide in
• Inability to show true feelings
• Intense fear of being alone
• Intense fear of open or enclosed spaces
• Constant or recurrent fear of falling sick
• Extremism at work, in spending, alcohol, gambling
• Dread of the future

Emotional or psychological Symptoms

• Mental fatigue
• Lack of concentration
• Mood swings
• Restlessness
• Unusual impatience
• General apathy towards life
• Irritability
• Unnecessary argumentation
• Excess of aggressive or submissive or defensiveness
• Insecurity
• Forgetfulness
• Low self esteem or low self worth
• Suspiciousness
• Getting frustrated with others

Possibility of Ailments Due to Stress

• Hypertension
• High blood pressure
• Heart attack
• Migraine
• Hay fever
• Allergies
• Asthma
• Peptic ulcers
• Colitis
• Constipation
• Indigestion
• Diarrhoea
• Nervous dyspepsia
• Diabetes mellitus
• Tuberculosis
• Overactive thyroid gland
• Intense itching
• Skin disorders
• Rheumatoid arthritis
• Menstrual difficulties
• Depression

Tackling Stress

Prevention is always better than cure. Given below are certain tips to manage stress:

• Resource sufficiency: One must continually work towards improving one’s thinking patterns, knowledge, competencies, skills and will power.
• Plan (goal/target setting and time management): Set your personal, family related and professional plans properly on time line and muster the resources to achieve them accordingly. Your plans should be realistic and you should review them from time to time and modify them if necessary. Refer: (Goal/Target Setting) http://goal-target-setting.blogspot.com/ and (Time Management) http://time-life-management.blogspot.com/
• Balance: Balance you personality. Your personality should not be extreme “A” type or extreme “B” types. Try to achieve a balanced personality. Refer the post Personality Type: Stress Management below on this page.
• Physical exercises: Get into habit of doing some or the other physical exercises for around 30 minutes to 1 hour every day. Learn to play some outdoor game. Gardening can be a good exercise. Walking is the excellent exercise. Refer the post titled "Stress Management: Simple Steps - A to Z Mantras of Stress Management" below on this page.
• Relax: Take a few minutes out and learn to relax by listening to good music or meditate or lie down and practice relaxation through auto-suggestion, take deep breaths several times a day.
• Entertain: Entertain yourself alone or in company by enjoying concerts, dramas, movies, games and sports etc.
• Social Interactions (fellowship): Invite or get invited at social gatherings like parties, weddings, dinners. In case of any stressful problem, talk it over with someone you trust.
• Take a break: Move away from your family and professional settings for while, take vacation and go for an outing, excursion or travel.
• Refrain from smoking and alcohol: If you are habituated to these, stop.